I’d love to hear from you.
Send me a message, a photo-essay, or just a quick note in comments.
max (at) prettybutch (dot) com
Hey there… I just found your blog… Great to see another good butch blog out there… Maybe we can do a link exchange? Im Shae Archer, the writer/editor at Boi Meets Play (www.boimeetsplay.com). I’ll go ahead and add your blog to my blogroll. Keep up the good work!
Thanks, Shae, and I’ll gladly add your site to my own – looks like you have some great content yourself!
Best – Max
Hi PB–just found your blog and love it! Your most recent post is kind of inspirational, since I’ve been looking for ways to get in better shape myself. Wanna exchange links? –BW
Absolutely! I’m a big fan of your writing, BW, and would love to be in touch. Thanks! -Max
Your blog is rad. Keep going & good luck in acting
stoked to find your blog! I am finding your most recent post very interesting…I deal with similar reactions from many friends when referring to myself as butch…they try to convince me otherwise…and yet in so many situations i am regarded with uncertainty…no one sure how to address me..”.sir, ma’am…he, she?”…and then there is the uncomfortable limbo of being involved in a conversation about men,babies,manicures ect…i am either ignored because how could i have anything to contribute?! or asked ridiculous questions about who pays at dinner when dating a woman?? its an odd little situation…
anyway, i am excited to keep up with your blog…keep up the good work!
Great blog! dapperQ.com would love to learn more about you and your experiences – maybe a bit about your style. Add us to your blogroll if you like what we have to offer. Cheers!
Thanks Anita – I’m quite a fan of dapperQ!
Hi Max, I found you today through Butch Wonders. I like your stuff! Is there a link to follow you or be notified of new posts? – Butch Jaxon
Hi Butch! I’m so pleased to hear from you – I really enjoyed your guest post on BW. I have an rss link at the bottom of any of my pages, in the footer, below the recent posts. Thanks so much for writing, and as a fellow SoCal butch (and lover of all things beer-related), I look forward to reading more from your site as well!
Your blog taps into my thoughts and emotions and has really helped clarify some of the things I’ve been feeling lately. I’m pretty young and still living with my parents, so the “you can’t be ‘butch’ you’re too pretty gets thrown at me a lot. Friends that I’ve known for years just look at my recent change of style and quite a few just laugh at me. I’m not very androgynous. I look like a femme if I put in minimal effort, but I hate it. I get those ‘im wearing drag’ feelings. But, when I put in the effort to look more dapper I get the hairy eye ball. I’m just at a loss right now. I wish someone would call me sir, or mistake me for a guy, but I apparently come off as a little kid playing dress up. I’m comfortable when I look like a little girl who broke into dads closet, but it’s hard to deal with peoples reactions or, on the other hand, lack of reaction. I identify as butch, but no one else will seem to let me. Advice?
Hey Lee – thanks for writing. I totally understand how hard it can be, especially if your friends aren’t on the same page as you. There’s no easy answer (or, at least, I certainly haven’t found one yet), but I know there are a couple of good things I try to remember. First, and this was also mentioned on the Qwear blog this week, the hardest thing to get used to is that you can’t control what other people think or feel, you can only control how you react to it. Which is possibly the most difficult thing ever, I know.
I’m really really shy, so I freak out if people tell me I look like a girl OR call me sir – it’s weird, it’s like, I get embarrassed for them once they see that I’m not a dude, even though I really LIKE being called sir. It sucks that people can’t just accept that you’re happier dressing in a way different than they think you should, but I find folks do better with you if you’re not weird about it, but assertive and polite. I used to have a girlfriend who’s mom would continually try to give me all her old skirts. I finally had to mention that I didn’t like wearing skirts, but I was sure to be very polite and thank her for thinking of me. It was a totally terrifying conversation (well, and she was terrifying anyway), but after that she stopped and even once bought me some men’s accessories as a gift.
So the second thing to remember is that even if having the conversation right now is really uncomfortable, it’s usually better than letting things be weird and keeping silent for a long time. If your friends who laugh are really good friends, maybe you can talk with them about it?
The hairy eyeball from your parents is another thing, too – when I lived with my folks I wore a uniform of men’s vintage pants, old brown suspenders, white Hanes t-shirts, and my dad’s ratty fedora. Every. Single. Day. And my mother hated it. But I loved it, and thought I looked awesome. What I wish now is that I had been brave enough then to talk with her about her comments and feelings. Instead I spent years hearing the “but you’re so pretty” comment – which I still get from her and others, but now I just say “thank you” and try to be happy that the person thinks I’m good looking enough to say anything. I’ve had to just accept that my mom is from a different era and I can’t change her any more than she can change me. It’s my life and not hers that I’m living. I also have had to accept certain things, like my pretty eyes, are always just going to be pretty. Sigh. I wore fake vintage glasses all through college just to “look more butch”. It helped, but eventually I just had to learn to be me.
Seriously, whatever you do – be yourself. Wear what you want. Don’t let them get you down. Sadly, we all have to educate the people around us who live in black and white. We live in gray areas, but the more we are proud of that, the easier it will get. You’re totally butch, because you feel you are. And know that if people are looking at you funny, it’s because they see that you’re butch. It challenges people’s ideas of how women should act/dress even if THEY think you’re butch too. So in a backwards sense, that can be cool. It can be like, yep, I’m different and I still look amazing, so amazing that you have to look at me. It’s so boring to be just another pretty girl. Ugh.
Oh, and the only other thing I can think that made my life easier as a pretty butch was making sure my clothes fit. I found that if I wear a man’s suit, but I’ve had it tailored and it fits me well (in a manly way), even the straight girls will say they like my style. But if I wear a man’s suit that looks all big and baggy, they tell me they wish I dressed better. Tailoring changes a lot. It costs money, and requires at least one possibly uncomfortable conversation with the tailor to explain that you want the clothing to fit you like menswear, but after that it’s totally worth it. (Sometimes I tell tailors or people in clothing stores that I’m buying a costume or something, if I feel scared or shy about it, and they usually accept that and help me find what I need.) And if you’re small, buying vests and ties and things from the boys department can be awesome. Seriously, if I were smaller, I’d wear schoolboy outfits with newsies caps all the time.
I don’t know if any of this helps, but you can always write me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to talk more or anything. You’re totally not alone, even if it’s hard right now, so hang in there!
Stumbled upon your words and felt like some of your sentiments were coming directly out of my own exhausted brain.
Great writing, great insight, real and appreciated.
I’ll be checking back, for certain.
Thanks CM – glad you found me and found something to enjoy in this space. 🙂
that was awesome.
so glad! question: would you mind if I used your question and my answer as a post here? i’d love to see if anyone else wants to chime in, but only if that’s cool with you. 🙂
yes. i hope I’m not the only one who feels like that. Your answer helped me feel better about my clothes and myself.
Just found your blog by chance, its pretty awesome.
I am a filmmaker/writer (who has a long background in acting) and am in the process of making an indie feature film where the lead character is butch/transgender/gender bender. I would love to see if you’d be interested in reading for the role.
If you’d like you can email me at email@example.com and I can forward you the script and more info.
It’s a really fun character and we have a talented creative team attached.
I found your blog a few months, and thank you. Even if your posts get “0 comments” I totally appreciate them, and thank you for representin’ on the internet…. I’m 29 and basically your generation, but I feel that there is a generational divide bw the 20 something and the 30 something queers. The next generation is much less appologetic about facial hair (unibrows, staches) and significantly more comfortable about presenting as ‘genderfukt’, rather than as a conventional lesbian… anyhoo the future is bright. The queers on tumblr is a total ball by the way. And Happy New Year! Also I’m starting a blog with longer musings there’s that. xoxo
hey natalie – thanks so much for checking out this little space over here. I will totally join the tumblr party – love that. hope your new year is off to a good start, and I’m looking forward to your longer blogging endeavors!
Just sending out my love and support! I LOVE “masculine” “butch” “boi” women and I think they should be more present in the media. Much love!
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